Camp Crystal Lake Open House
Come celebrate Friday the 13th with us
By Joseph Lavers
Good morning 🐣
Look I don’t know whose idea it was to bring witchcraft to Crystal Lake, but before we begin I’d like to remind all of you that this camp is a family-friendly facility, so please leave any seances, blood magick, and corpse reanimation at home where they belong. Thank you.
Now today I’d like to welcome to Camp Crystal Lake the parents of all our wonderful campers. Every year you pack your children up and entrust them to our care, so it’s only fair we open up our campground for you to see where the magic happens.
You may have heard some unsavory rumors about the Orientation Week for camp counselors that we held earlier this year. It coincided with Friday the 13th, much like today’s Open House tour, but I assure you that is all superstitious bupkis. There may have been a few mishaps along the way — maybe even a grisly, mysterious murder or two — and we may have renamed the entire town from Crystal Lake to Forest Green to avoid any negative connotations, but we guarantee this camp is still fun and safe for all visitors.
In fact fun and safety go hand in hand here at Crystal Lake, as we covered back in January with sessions on
On today’s Open House tour for all you loving parents, we’re going to cover a few more of Camp Crystal Lake’s key principles for making sure your children have an experience they’ll never forget. The five keys are:
We all deserve second chances 🗝️
This camp has had some fun celebrity alumni over the years, most notably:
- Kevin Bacon,
- Crispin Glover,
- Corey Feldman,
- David Cronenberg, and
- Jennifer Cooke, who is married to Mo Siegel, co-founder of the Celestial Seasonings tea company; you know the one with the cozy Sleepytime bear on the box that just so happens to be founded on the principles of the Urantia Book from the early 1900s, a work steeped in aliens, Christianity, cults, and racism haha whoops
But there’s none more famous than our own hometown hero, Jason Voorhees.
You might have some reservations about him, but we promise he’s back and better than ever. For example:
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There was a businessman who was complaining about a female executive and saying she belongs in the kitchen. We saw Jason tear his arm clean off and send him flying smack into a tree. Is Jason a feminist? I think so…
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Another time a local drunk tossed an empty glass bottle over his shoulder. But before that nasty litter could even hit the ground, Jason caught it and stabbed him through the throat with it. Is Jason an environmentalist? Sure seems like it…
All I’m saying is, don’t judge a book by its cover. And don’t judge an undead serial killer by his hockey mask.
Listen to your kids 🗝️
Parents, we’re asking you to help us help your children by listening to what they have to say and taking them seriously. You’re their greatest role models. One of our campers, Tina, accidentally killed her own dad telekinetically when she was younger, but no one quite believed her. Thankfully we have a therapist on staff to help her and others caught in an endless cycle of death. We even promise he won’t gaslight the children too much or use anyone as a human shield. Because here at Camp Crystal Lake, mental health IS health and we’re not afraid of confronting past traumas… that is until our childhood home literally explodes and our dad rises from his watery grave to save us and grant us peace and redemption.
Cut ’em loose 🗝️
There comes a time in a parent’s life when they have to accept their child is all grown up. Don’t be afraid of letting go! Which is why we have a special field trip coming up for campers who want to visit the Big Apple itself: New York, New York! This special excursion encourages them to pursue their passions, whether it’s writing, filmmaking, playing guitar, boxing, or blackmailing their principal by getting him caught on tape watching them undress. Weirder things have happened onboard our little ship to the big city!
Campers may even have a chance to interview former camper Jason about his field trip to Manhattan many years ago. A lot of people complained about how much time was spent on the boat and not in the city, but not Jason. He made the most of it. You got Jason taking the subway, Jason taking a diner, Jason taking the sewer, Jason taking Times Square. He really does take a lot of Manhattan.
But how much does he give?
That really is the crux of this program. Jason yells for “Mommy” in a child’s voice when the wave of toxic sewer sludge approaches. “Don’t let me drown,” he pleads. Jason never really benefited from this program because he never learned that life is a two-way street. He can’t grow up, but everyone else does. This is a place where future adults can be themselves and make mistakes. Remember, children are our future, unless they’re dismembered one by one on a cruise ship.
Note to self: Google search “can Jason teleport?”
Play the part 🗝️
At camp kids are able to figure out who they are and who they want to be. They’re able to explore different personas, try on different roles. They’re developing independence and self-identity, so don’t be afraid if they come home seeming a little… different, kinda like some demonic slug has possessed their bodies and is pursuing a murderous rampage to kill off its bloodline, Jason’s heretofore unknown surviving sister, niece, and grand-niece…
I don’t know, man. All you can do at this point is nod in agreement when the coroner says: “In my professional opinion, this guy’s deader than shit.”
If all else fails, freeze yourself and start over 400 years later 🗝️
Look we’re the first to admit things have gotten a little out of hand with Jason and that we’ve gotta try something new. We threw some telekinetic Carrie wannabe into the mix, shunted Jason off to Manhattan, got the FBI involved, even sent him to Hell. But this guy will not stay dead. I guess if push comes to shove, we can just freeze ourselves Futurama-style and try again in a few hundred years? Maybe go down some sort of action sci-fi route à la “Aliens.”
Jason stabs a Space Marine.
“It’s going to take more than a poke in the ribs to put down this old dog.”
Jason stabs him again.
“Yep, that oughta do it.”
We at Camp Crystal Lake may have failed you and your kids, but at least we’re still alive and experiencing the 2400s, unlike the rest of y’all ✌️