Good afternoon 🌞

Check out yesterday’s intro to SHREK WEEK if you missed the announcement.

Previously in the Shrekverse: Shrek (voiced by Mike Myers), an ogre living on his own, free from society, is forced to engage with the world when the evil Lord Farquaad (John Lithgow) pushes the fairy-tale creatures he despises out of his kingdom and into Shrek’s swamp. Shrek selfishly volunteers to complete a quest for Farquaad so that he can get his swamp back all to himself, but in the process makes friends, finds true love, and breaks free from his rigid definitions of the world and how he relates to it. The fairy-tale creatures reclaim their homes and everyone lives happily ever after.

Except married life isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and Shrek has to learn to live with his newlywed Fiona’s (Cameron Diaz) parents, the King and Queen of Far Far Away (John Cleese and Julie Andrews), who aren’t big fans of their daughter marrying a literal ogre. Meanwhile, Fairy Godmother (Jennifer Saunders) wants to put her son — Prince Charming (Rupert Everett) — on the throne, but is thwarted at the last minute. After all that chaos, it seems everyone is finally getting along and they can be a great big royal family…

Hark! The King is dead! Who will succeed him in Shrek the Third, the third chapter in the Shrek Saga?

Far Far Away is at a crossroads and this looks to be a highly contested horse race, so as your resident Professor of Shrekology by day, swamp correspondent by night, I’m here to guide you through the ofttimes confusing ballot.

Let’s meet the candidates!

VOTE Shrek 👑

Look how far our boy’s come: From alone in the swamp to calling a frog king “Dad.” He’s supportive of his wife, friends, and family. He’s a proven fighter. You couldn’t ask for a better candidate.

But there’s something holding him back. As he serves as regent alongside Princess Fiona, Shrek seems distracted. Has he lost interest in royal life? Is it the swamp that’s calling him home? Maybe it’s marital troubles. Whatever it is, something is bothering our jolly green giant and it’s really affecting his performance on the job. Even King Harold noticed this before he died, which is why he mentioned to Shrek that there is another in the line of succession if Shrek so chooses to forsake his destiny…

VOTE Prince Charming 👑

“It’s hard to come by honest work when the whole world’s against you.”
— Evil Tree, Shrek the Third (2007)

I believe it was legendary political consultant James Carville that once said, “It’s the Shrekonomy, stupid.”

While Shrek is off searching for the King’s heir, Prince Charming is back at home plotting his revenge. He still has a photo of mommy dearest, the Fairy Godmother who met her demise at the end of Shrek 2, pushing him forward, reminding him that he deserves anything he wants. So he persuades all the fairytale villains that the whole world is against them, to rise up in anger, and to take the kingdom of Far Far Away from all those people that look down on them.

His slogan “It’s A Happily Ever After After All,” a promise to make Far Far Away great again, is also the title of his new musical stage show, an elaborate plot to kill Shrek and cement his power. The film also opens with Charming putting on a play. It’s a recurring theme for him. He’s a career politician literally just playing the part at this point without offering any real solutions. These fairytale villains truly have been suffering, but Charming doesn’t care. He’s using them and cheating to get the ending he thinks he deserves.

It’s a classic opening for fascism.

VOTE Arthur “Artie” Pendragon 👑

Turns out King Harold has a nephew! Voiced by Justin Timberlake, Arthur Pendragon (Artie for short), was abandoned by his father and chucked into Worcestershire Academy, a prestigious boarding school for children of the elite. Shrek and friends make the long journey across the sea to convince the 16-year-old (‼️) he has what it takes to lead an entire nation.

It’s a wild pivot so late in the campaign cycle, but could a King Arthur be just what the people need?

The optics are good. The narrative is compelling. He’s a member of the royal family, a political dynasty (some would call it Camelot), but as an untested outsider with zero political experience, mocked by his peers, perhaps he’s the RFK Jr. of this race? Hopefully Artie hasn’t played a role in the unnecessary deaths of dozens of Samoan children from a measles outbreak.

He also clearly has low self-esteem and a very visible lack of confidence, but Artie’s been known to show some real street smarts, conning Merlin into casting a spell that teleports them all the way back to Far Far Away just in the nick of time. Now that he’s here, can he inspire the villainous horde to give up their evil ways and reintegrate into society?

He just might have what it takes to be a real leader.

VOTE Princess Fiona 👑

But it feels like we’re missing someone. Someone really obvious.

Oh yeah, the King’s living breathing daughter. Like honestly, why the hell are we completely skipping over Fiona? Hey maybe she wants to go back to the swamp with her husband, Shrek, but has anyone ever asked her? It’s that damn patriarchy, I tell ya.

Over three films, we’ve seen she’s a strong, independent fighter with a great intuition and judge of character. When Prince Charming captures her and the other princesses — including Snow White (Amy Poehler), Cinderella (Amy Sedaris), Sleeping Beauty (Cheri Oteri), and Rapunzel (Maya Rudolph) — Fiona takes matters into her own hands and launches a mission to break themselves out AND rescue Shrek.

She is literally RIGHT THERE.

And with all the princesses serving in her cabinet, you know she would
👏 get
👏 shit
👏 done!

See you tomorrow! 💚